Something I wrote a while ago

I think I was about ten years old. 

My father demonstrated 'out of control' for me when he insisted I swallow a little red vitamin pill one evening. I had a fear of swallowing pills, a fear of choking on them and I think he maybe decided he would snap me out of it by having me take this small round coated vitamin. I couldn't bring myself to actually do it and it escalated into my dad standing in front of me, saying commandingly, "Drink the water!" and me crying hysterically by then, unable to speak  to explain myself or to swallow the god damned pill by drinking the water. I had put the pill into my mouth and the only thing remaining was to drink that water and swallow it down. I was, by that point terrified that I definitely would choke on the water if I tried to drink  because I was crying so hard by then, in that hiccups way that children do. I wanted to explain that to him, to make him see that it was impossible now because I was too upset, but he was simply out of control. He was so angry and so bent on his purpose that he couldn't hear any opposition to his plan. His teeth were jammed shut on each other so that the muscle in his cheek bulged out and his words came out so tight and terse. I could see there was no way out of it. There was no way I was going to drink that glass of water when I was sobbing so hard and with him looming over me. And I, even though I  was a child,  could see that he was immovable. I couldn't get past him and leave the dining room. I couldn't make him listen to what I was trying to say. He was so stuck in his anger and his determination to do this thing. I realized the only way out was to pretend to drink it, so I did. I took a mouthful of the water and instantly, the situation was defused. He could come  out of his anger and regain control of his emotions. I did not swallow the water. I went and spat it and the stupid pill out, but I found a way out. I realized that he couldn't find a way out; he couldn't back down. He, the adult, couldn't do it. He  couldn't make me do the thing he thought I should do and he couldn't deal with his frustration or see the futility in it. It was me, the kid, who saw how he was stuck and couldn't get past it. I saw his foolishness. I think it made me feel older than him in that moment.